Chasing the Horizon

 

I have been chasing it, the horizon.

I remember standing there, watching the evening’s magic act. The sun burst into splashes of gold, crimson, and violet as she hit the horizon. Out of nowhere, she changed into her white gown, and began to ascend into a new sky. She lit a silver carpet on the ocean’s surface, one that led straight to me.

Was she calling me, asking me to follow her path, one that led to the edge of the world, that led to the edge of me? Would I find my own avatars when I got there? Would I understand the different shades, the various shapes I personified? Would I know the secret to my own magic act?

I have been sailing this sea. As a human, I am on board, living this life as others do everyday, chasing something. I watch my avatar swimming in the waves. I wonder what she looks like. Is she the classic mermaid of fairytales? Does she resemble me in form, in thought? Did I invent her to reach the horizon, to look over the edge of my destiny, before I get there by ship?

It came to me, as I was silently falling asleep last night. Drop your anchor here. The horizon is where the water meets the sky, where the moon meets the sun, where the mermaid meets you. It is an illusion, created by you for an answer, the answer to your existence, to your purpose. Drop your anchor here. Be still, and meet yourself.

My Creed

i am a seed
inside this tree

i am a drop
inside this sea

i am the answer
to this question

i am freedom
from obsession

created
i create

the etches
on this slate

Namesake

 

forehead kiss
the center
of god
your prism
of love
flows through me
coloring
my awareness

once blinded
i see
everything

we send
you
forehead kisses

you only need
two

*****

Note: The 6th Chakra resides in the center of the forehead, the third eye.

Songs that Define You

Me
(original song and lyrics Paula Cole)

I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

CHORUS:

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythmn
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground

Chorus

And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
That I love (6 times)

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, i know, yes i know

That I love (5 times overlapping chorus)

But it's me
And it's me
But it's me (4 times)

*****

Which song defines you?

The Fortune Teller

As I crossed the bridge, the sky revealed my future. Half cloudy, half clear. The promise of sun, or rain, or maybe even a rainbow. Possibilities presented.

Why do I need a fortune teller, when I have you?

The Sea Inside

I was born in a shell. The waves rocked me gently to sleep. The sound of gulls calling overhead was the only song I needed. Together, the sea salt and sand soaked me in a daily baptismal bath.

Then, I washed ashore. Fear and hatred and anger were born. I was torn between the sea and land. Nowhere was safe. No place to hide, except inside tidal waves of turbulent thoughts.

My belly swells, as you swim inside your own sea. When you wash ashore, you too will search for a hiding place. My darling, there is no place to hide. There will be storms and stillness, suffering and salvation, subjugation and surrender, sinking and surfacing, all inside the same sea, the sea inside you.

Own it, accept it. It is your heritage.

A Prayer for Peace

 


It is a hybrid of two religions, of two cultures, of two families, of two people.

I attended one of my best friend’s marriages this past weekend. Her family is Hindu, and his family is Muslim. After some debate, they are now open to receiving the gift of the unfamiliar, expanding boundaries to plant new gardens of hope. The first flower has blossomed. Cross-pollination will give rise to more flowers, and so on. In this manner, the garden of humanity will grow closely together, growing under the same sun, wilting under the same winter frost, burying themselves deep into the soil for the next generation.

She is the Earth
Walk gently on her ground
Meditate in her gardens
Rest against her trees
She is sacred

He is beauty
Listen to his words
His acceptance for all life
His love for all beings
He is universal

There is no name to describe this new love. And so I offer a prayer for peace.

For M

Wicked Little High
song and lyrics by Bird York

You're a wrong turn
a big fat No
you're the fifth drink before a long drive home
you're the thing to avoid
the bars to my cage
you're all I think about everyday
you've got that thing
that my wildest dreams are made of
you set my world on fire

I die everytime you walk by
I can't hide that I'm drawn to you
Desire is such a wicked little high
when the one you want is blind to you

you're the third scoop
the second pack
you're the reason for therapy
why I should go back
Hey Mister Wrong
you're the tingle in my jeans
you're everything I don't want
but everything I need
I see other guys
but their kisses don't mean nothin'
'cause you're what I have in mind
I die everytime you walk by
I can't hide that I'm drawn to you
Desire is such a wicked little high
when the one you want is blind to you

you're a wrong turn
a big fat No
you're the fifth drink before a long drive

Changes

Overnight, I have noticed I have to pee more. A few weeks ago, again, overnight, I noticed my belly increase about 1-2 sizes. Not that I’m complaining. I finally feel pregnant! I know, you women of experience out there will probably tell me not to enjoy it too much, because it gets worse.

For the past week, I have soaked up as much fear with this sponge mind, only to let it leak out in my dreams, my thoughts, and my anticipation of the future. I’ve seen pregnant patients with physical and emotional complaints, and I’ve also seen newborns with problems. The intensity of caring for their infant is evident in the parents’ wrinkled foreheads, the weight of it measured and colored in the sagging crescents under their eyes.

One of the biggest changes is about to occur. There are books, manuals, personal stories from other mothers, the advice of other doctors, as well as my own knowledge. I get the feeling that these are like the manuals for assembling something. They are all in a foreign language that I will not understand until I actually have this little one.

Changes used to scare the heck out of me. What will happen? Will I be ready? Will there be loss of this self, and if so, who will replace her? You know what all these questions are? Wasted fuel, burning fires that I think will keep me warm, when they only provide imaginary warmth and real headaches.

I don’t need you. I don’t need any guidelines. Recommendations and advice are always welcome, but there is no manuscript to rehearse this life. It is written, word by word, page by page, as I live. At the end of each chapter, I reflect on this journey. I have no idea what will happen next. I only know that I will look back fondly, and be grateful for all those who have taught me along the way.

To changes, and to me as I evolve…

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
-Charles Dubois

In times of change, learners inherit the Earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.
-Eric Hoffer

Waiting to Happen

I’m always waiting for something to happen. In stillness, I search for movement. Our wind chimes arrived one week ago. After putting them up, I thought to myself, “I’ll have to wait till next Fall to actually hear them.”





Waiting is so hard for me. It is one of those virtues I am struggling to learn in this life. Earlier this year, I was waiting for three things to happen: to get pregnant, to move from our apartment into a home, and to get published. For some time, it was like three hands strangling me. That’s how hard I would hold my breath.

Two out of the three have occurred. Now that they are done, I wonder when the third will happen. There’s a hint of the third fulfilling itself in a few months.

My prizes don’t seem to sparkle as much, now that I have them. I am thankful, but I feel like I’ve completely missed the whole process. The gifts are unwrapped, with the wrapping tossed to the side. What about those in between days where the gifts were slowly being packaged in beautiful paper, and bow tied? Why was I holding my breath? Was I too afraid that they would not appear in their own time?

Sometimes I feel like my life is in someone else’s hands. I wait for the telegram to arrive as to how the rest of my life will ensue. I want play by play details. I want to know.

*****

The last two days have been surprisingly windy, most unexpected from the warm, sky-blue, windless days of last week. Something is happening. The wind is trying to tell be something through the song of chimes.

“You never really did trust me. You never even trusted yourself. Let your life unravel on its own, let in unwrap to reveal your gifts one day at a time. I won’t disappoint you.”

*****
There are no limits to either time or distance, except as man himself may make them. I have but to touch the wind to know these things.
-Hal Borland

Tidal Love

i drink
the ocean of you
through parted lips
your tongue
lapping over
this island of curves
caressing this body
in waves of ecstasy
it enters
the grotto
where i hide
sensual love
drawing it out
nipples rising
back arched
i am
a wave
breaking
in you