Beyond Judgment

let me know you
let me know myself
let me ask questions
let me see clearly

Winter

Winter sat with me last night in meditation. My heart froze - the chill and burden of it commanding center stage for attention.

The recent celebration of my daughter’s 2nd birthday and the birth of my nephew during Thanksgiving weekend have awakened painful memories fat with guilt.

When my daughter was born, I was terrified. My singular, independent life was murdered. I didn’t want her. I was exhausted from sleep deprivation, and felt chained to the breast pump and her. I felt like I was condemned to a life sentence of Motherhood.

I only breast fed her for three weeks. A burning yeast infection of both breasts was my ticket to freedom. I didn’t know who this tiny little creature was, and what she could possibly want or need from me with her mixed signals of high pitched cries and spontaneous smiles.

I’m not sure when exactly it was that I started to love her the messy way - prolonged hugs despite our vomit and snots from illness and kisses full of saliva that drenched our clothes despite warm sunny days. I love her as a novice mother does, my skin scratched and bruised from creating my own path and definition of motherhood.

In Everyday Blessings – The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting , Myla and Jon Kabat-zinn write, “Every moment is a new beginning, another opportunity for tuning in…” My sleep last night was disturbed by dreams of guilt and uncertainty, of not knowing my daughter. This morning, I was able to accept guilt and uncertainty as the ingredients that froze my heart last night. Despite the 42 degree coldness outside, I stepped into another moment.

I wrote this first thing at work, and could feel love and forgiveness thawing a frozen heart.

I am not afraid

Lately, I have not been posting much of what I have been writing. I have chosen to go inside myself to visit the caves inside my heart to find answers.

My husband has been so busy with travel, illness, work, and making sure the family is well cared for. Despite these factors, I have blamed him for my loneliness.

Solitude has been my guide to finding trust. With minimal blogging and conversations with my husband, I have found trust inside myself. Mindfulness, meditation, and early darkness have given me peace to listen to the silence.

Fear and many other human emotions still want to sit with me, begging to speak and break the silence. I accept their presence without judgment.

I know I can also invite trust to join us.

Seeing

"I was looking for one thing, and I found something else. I kept my eyes open."

Mermaid

For My Daughter On Her 2nd Birthday

if i closed the door on you
two years ago
and rejected the extra skin
around my belly and thighs
i would not have the space
of an infinite heart
that accepts old enemies
as friends