There is enough love for everyone.
It’s as if the Universe has aligned everyone and everything to bring me to this point of awakening in my life. For so long, I have closed my heart to the possibility of enough love, enough happiness for everyone. I have lived in fear, compared myself, felt inferior or superior, and hoarded joy as if someone was going to take my own away from me with their good news.
My mother’s newfound interest in her computer classes and a new friend as well as my husband’s recent love of hiking have left me feeling like I would have less time for my own hobbies. Last nigh at a women’s circle, a member shared her excitement in being part of a relay race. She had also previously shared her confidence with yoga. Instead of sharing her joy, I noticed the weaknesses in my body, which triggered a profound sadness.
The facilitator of the group is also currently pregnant. She has spent her life preparing for this journey, and has taken the time to practice yoga and mindfulness before delivering a child. I was reminded of my inability to be present when N was first born, and all the fear and doubt that hung like heavy black clouds over me daily.
I spoke with one of the group members after last night’s meeting. A part of our conversation made me realize how a comment I had made to her was rooted more in fear and jealousy than genuine concern for her well being. I am truly grateful for all of these lessons.
These realizations have taken me into my past where I grew up with a close friend. She stood tall and erect with such confidence. With a beautiful voice and open heart, she commanded the attention of all in her presence. I always felt like I was one step behind her, running to catch up.
So many things make sense to me now. If I am living with this deep seeded belief that there isn’t enough love to go around, how will I ever learn to stop comparing and start living?
This morning in meditation, I allowed myself to begin the loving kindness practice, first directed towards myself, and then to all the souls who have brought me here to this understanding. Their joys, their triumphs have shown me that anything is possible. Love will find me if I open my heart, if I believe that love does not have any prejudice against anyone.
Let me begin to live my life with more trust than fear, more hope than discouragement, more sympathetic joy for others than jealousy, more acceptance than resistance.
“All things are our relatives; what we do to everything, we do to ourselves.”
Black Elk
Percolating again
1 day ago
7 comments:
The loving kindness medititation is so powerful. Your post reminds me of something I read years ago in a yoga book. It went something like "When are you going to accept yourself and start living?" Good question huh? It has stayed with me ever since. You're doing great - you're doing the best you can.
Divine Miss M,
You continue to amaze me at your passion for healing and living from your heart. The awarenesses you have are profound. Your rawness and willingness to be transparent is actually healing you, opening you in bold new ways.
I do think metta is very powerful for healing these issues. It transformed me--my spiritual teacher told me it would--and she was right. It opened my heart wider than it has ever been. I used is again last night when a "Mother's Day" cold shoulder was offered me from someone in my family. It hurts, but then I know it was given because she is hurting inside. Yet, she is not ready to heal. She still wants to blame others and feel victimized by her own lack of mothering as a child. The best I can do is let go of the slight and go to metta. She is hurting. Then do metta for myself. For her hurt led to actions which hurt another. We are SO deeply interconnected, intertwined--all of us! (That's why it's so important for us to choose our actions carefully, eh?)
My teacher reminds me to always do metta for myself. I have a tendency to forget. :-) We all do...and we deserve our own tenderness too.
Happy Mother's Day!
You are so wise, dear Mermaid. Thank you for sharing your doubts and fears, and your journey toward healing, because so many of us feel these same hurts and fears, too. Your loved ones, friends, and patients are all so fortunate to have you in their lives.
I really like the Black Elk quote you chose,too.
Hugs,
Angela :0)
Once again you speak to my heart.
You are experiencing so much that I have in these 70 years. But you are so wise at such a young age.
Blessings and love sent your way.
We are always traveling the same path, it seems, I never leave your blog without something that speaks to my own healing. Thank you. xoxo
beautiful and poignant post, mermaid. thank you for your insights.
Beautiful post, and one almost all of us, especially women, resonate with I think...I echo Jan's sentiments, that metta practice for ourselves is essential...we always judge the most harshly in others what we fear is in ourselves, so lovingkindness and forgiveness of ourselves goes hand in hadn with lovingkindness and forgiveness of others...
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