Some flowers bloom in the sun.
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For the past week, N has been ill. This has meant lots of change: change in behaviors, change in schedules, and even changes in perceptions. I used to believe that during times of change, at least my emotional states of aversion, fear, anger, and sadness were predictable. This time, I also saw that guilt was an important ingredient of suffering.
Guilt motivated me to wake N up early for a class, when sleep would have been better for her. If I did not take her to the class, then I would not be doing something fun with her as I had personal plans that did not include her later in the day. Guilt was also the reason why I would hesitate to discipline N or set helpful limits for her. I was worried that I was not being emotionally supportive, and projected my own angst from childhood onto N.
When I became aware of guilt as a motivating factor for my actions, I chose to let N sleep in instead of taking her to a class, and also set appropriate limits when needed. I am grateful for this awareness, and even for guilt. I see that change is inevitable, and trying to control things only makes me feel more constricted. Breathing, awareness of guilt, and loving kindness practice help to remind me of the spaciousness achieved with letting go. I sometimes even need to let go of the idea that I can control my emotions!
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Some flowers also bloom in the rain. Their petals bear the weight of tears in order to grow. They learn that true opening occurs in the toughest weather.
Percolating again
1 day ago
8 comments:
Mermaid,
Enjoyed reading your "journey" through guilt and the awareness that has come. Very powerful and oh, so insightful. I loved feeling you softening toward N's illness and the fact that all these changes were afoot. I could feel "flow" (ocean?) begin to happen within you. Love it. Your closing passage is just lovely and so true. In my own life, I do think the greatest openings and growth came through tempests... Hugs!
It's often difficult to do what we know is best, isn't it? We, especially we mothers, always seem to second-guess ourselves and feel guilt. No matter what we do, we feel guilt for the road not chosen.
I really like the references to the flowers in this post. Like you, I also seem to learn the best in tough weather.
Hugs to you, dear Mermaid.
Jan, flow is a beautiful way of expressing this process. I am softening, and it feels GREAT to be more malleable than rigid.
Angela, yes, there is much guilt in motherhood, isn't there? Yet, recognizing it helps us to see that we don't have to believe it or accept it for the truth.
Acceptance, even of our negative emotions is what we are all learning. change will always be with us, I am glad you got this and I hope N gets better soon.
Very very powerful post. Raising children takes an emotional toll. I like Annie's comment about acceptance. Accept your decisions and be kind to yourself. You are doing a wonderful job :)
Annie, thank you.
Caroline, that is the key word, huh? Acceptance.
it is extremely powerful to recognize the guilt and choose another action. this post was so inspiring-thank you. :-)
Thank you, Brandi. I'm going through some tough realizations, but being with them as they are is key to healing all the judgmental voices.
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